Fall of 1980

I beg you take courage; the brave soul can mend even disaster.

– Catherine the Great –

It was the fall of 1980, and I had run the race of my life at the National Cross Country meet in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. One would say I “peaked” at the most optimal time.

Coming from nationals, I was interviewed by a local paper and one of his questions was about my weight, which then made it into the article, “you’d never know she could run like that weighing...” Sigh…. and I wasn’t that big. I let this comment slide off of my back, my self-esteem intact.

Leap ahead to the fall of 1981, when we began the weekly weigh-ins. Somehow, I could not let the message I heard about weighing less and running faster slide so easily off of my back. I lived for the scale, watching the pounds fall from my body, looking for approval from my coach, pushing myself to become faster and skinnier.

One study found that 35% of female and 10% of male college athletes were at risk for anorexia nervosa and 58% of female and 38% of male college athletes were at risk for bulimia nervosa.

**The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University. Food for Thought: Substance Abuse and Eating Disorders. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) Columbia University; New York: 2003.

I ran, and ran, and ran…. all the way to becoming an All American in Cross Country and Track my Sophomore year. Was I happy? Hmmm, sure, I attained my goal. Was I happy with the way I looked? Nope.

Why am I even writing about this, you wonder? It’s my story. You see, we all have a story. This is the path I am taking to reconcile my past, honor my body and begin to heal. What is it about your story you need to honor? Close your eyes, and think back to a time you were most scared, ashamed, judged, angry, or beaten down. Visualize extending your hand to this fragmented self, taking hold and whispering, “I forgive you; you are loved.”