Re-birth

My Rebirth Day – April 6th

April 6th, 2022 - AM update. Just a few minutes ago, the breathing tube was removed. Yahoo. Heart rate down a little and BP looks pretty good. Urine output decent but kidneys still not back to normal yet. Temp is 37 C, pretty normal. Still on antibiotics for infection. Nutrition via IV. No other IV currently. Best update in days.

Above is a text my husband sent to a friend of mine updating her about my recovery from hernia repair surgery in 2022. 

On March 30th, 2022, my life changed.  I was close to death.  I pierced the veil.

My body, mind, and spirit were mute and stifled during this time.  I don't remember anything.  I spoke about people in the room, my guests ready to take me on a merciful trip. 

And yet, I did not go.

Why?

Who was with me?

I am reminded of this memory daily, and always during this time of year. I want to know why I did not go with them. 

What is my purpose in staying?

I have a new birthday.  It is April 6th.  It is the day I was extubated.  I could breathe on my own.  I left the womb of the machine, cutting the cord for me, awakening me to a new reality.

So much has happened in the last 5 years during this time: my cancer scare, the death of my brother, my almost death, and the loss of another brother.

I have no family left.

I have become accustomed to being numb from joy, searching for the silver lining.

Where is my joy?

Why did I live?

What is my purpose?

I am not the same person coming out of my near-death experience. It isn't easy to explain.

I am happy, grateful, saturated with calm.

And then I am searching for meaning, calming the darkness within my body.

Happy re-birthday to me.  What the hell do I do with it?

I know.

I keep moving forward.  I continue to fight. I continue to voice my purpose. 

It flickers. 

My soul will ignite when the flame touches the wick.