Summer of 1984

It was the summer of 1984, the summer of my college graduation. I was officially done with school. Previously, I had graduated from junior college in 1982, transferred to a four - year college in which my studies were now complete. Yes, my running continued. I grew stronger and competed at a much different level during the last two years of college. I was aiming for Elite status in the world of running.

During this time, I started to break down mentally and physically. I peaked early in my racing, and was literally running on empty. I was unable to handle the stress of competing. I continued to think of food and deny my body adequate nourishment. I did not rest, and I continued to train excessively.

I was unable to be kind to myself. I thought by pummeling my body into submission, I would become stronger. It had the opposite effect, while I was physically training on high levels, I was neglecting my mental health. I think of Yin and Yang. What is done to one part, has an adverse effect on the other. This definition is solely my own.

I did well with my running senior year, establishing records at my school, and qualifying for Nationals in three events. However, I never attained All American during this time. It haunted me as I graduated, feeling like I failed my coach, myself, my teammates, and the college. Now everyone would know what I failure I was.

After graduating, I had a goal to qualify for the Olympic Trials in the Marathon. I knew I could make it. My running had improved, and there were talks of sponsorship by Asics. I had the world by the tail. My qualifying run was to be at Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth, Minnesota. I had finalized my race plan, and was ready to fly on that day in June.

Or so I thought…

I crashed and burned. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put myself through another race, another day of anxiety. What if I didn’t make it? I was already a failure for not making All American at the four - year college level. My body rebelled. My mind rebelled. I needed to take a break.

There is a force within that gives you life. Seek that. – Rumi –

I pause here. My story continues, but I am presently pushing into that feeling of failure. I still have it, even after so many years. Whence did it come. Do you ever feel it? Where the hell does this pervasive feeling, dripping with self-doubt come from?

Again, we breathe and sit in the silence. We call for the life force present in us to take hold and bring us to a place where we can actively seek life filled with richness. Believe it. Suck it in. Find that force within you and seek that. Let me hear you say. “We deserve it.” You deserve it.” “I deserve it.”