This past week I was feeling dissatisfied and disappointed with my work. I began researching other job opportunities available to me. That's when I happened upon an opening where I was formerly employed. I was missing what I did at this place, so I entertained the thought of applying. So, I called a colleague working there about applying for the position.
I should have been ready for what she would tell me, but I was not. I suspected it would not be positive, but the feedback surprised me. I left my former position in horrible head space. My last year working there was not kind to me; overcome with various health issues, surgeries, extended absences, and working through a pandemic. It was difficult, compounded by medical and work stress.
I did ask her to be honest and that I valued transparency. I appreciate this transaction between people, but her honesty knocked me off my feet. I thanked her and understood what I needed to do, and I didn't apply.
At first, I felt terrible about my behavior before leaving this workplace. I was not my best self, and I knew it. Even now, I feel the need to explain myself and rationalize to my former co-workers the reasons why.
But then…
I decided not to.
I've decided to speak my truth.
I've decided to take up room and space for all to hear my voice.
For those colleagues who chose not to understand or honor my mental space and for those colleagues who chose not to understand or show me grace; I am not sorry that my voice is being heard, and I am not sorry you had to see me slowly disintegrate and marginally hold myself together every day.
Why would I put myself back into that position again? So, to my former colleague who voiced the truth, I thank you.
Never let anyone rob you of your grace, space, and grit.
Never let anyone tell you that you are "too much." I've been told that, and it is the part of me I love. I will always speak my truth, and I will always follow my compass.
When I feel restless and need a change, I constantly second-guess myself.
But this time, I stopped to listen to grace's still, small voice.
In its echoing, I learned satisfaction is found from within, to stop looking outward and start seeing the richness inside myself.
Look inside, find the courage to believe, and affirm that YOU are enough.
Speak your truth, speak bravely, and stand tall.
You are a beautiful soul filled with riches, layered with gold, radiating holiness and grace.
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